Fear is a like a Hitman waiting in an Alley

Fear is a Hitman waiting in an alleyway for the right moment to break my legs. He’s got the torso of a grizzly bear, the face of a meteor, the strength of the Hoover Dam and the heart of a frozen avocado. Maybe I owe him, maybe I don’t. But he’s mean enough that I replay the last 5 years in my head looking for that tarnished black moment that I ever crossed his path. He sits at the corner while I eat in the local diner. I’m at my usual window seat. I order the eggs and toast. He’s leaning on the wall.

His hands, which could be mistaken for boulders, are tucked snuggly into velvet pants pockets that are too small for wrecking balls that size. His legs are a paradox. One foot is firmly established on the pavement like a bulldozer with the foot crank down for the night. The other tree trunk root with a shoe is doing an awkward kind of pirouette; toes pointing down, as if having both feet flat on Earth would bring on the sort of gravity that holds monuments motionless on city square corners. He’s leaning against a wall, and daring it to hold him up. The bricks that make it couldn’t fold and collapse into a heap even if they wanted to. The side of that building is scared of him too.

He watches me. I don’t look up. I don’t want to think about it. I’m just going to finish eating, pay for my meal, and walk away knowing full well I’ll be followed for the rest of the day. I wonder if walking up the stairs to the 3rd floor of the Days Inn and doing a junior high caliber hurdle over the hand crafted maple railing will fracture, rupture and corkscrew my legs enough for the Hitman to consider it fitting retribution. At least then I would be in control.

Filed under: Whatever , Control, Eggs and Toast, Fear, Hitman, Short

I think I’m supposed to know things now.

This month ahead is the transition of all transitions. I will be:

Graduating

Living out of a suitcase

Experiencing every minute I can with the people down here who give me hope

Investing every second in those who’ve lost it

Breathing in and tasting every morsel of Orlando one last time around

Watering my future with the sweat of my brow

Learning how to become a better friend, son, and Christ follower

Learning how to become a man, husband, and a responsible human being

Leaning on people just as much as I hope to be leaned on

Giving away and Surviving on necessities.

Moving near the woman I call home and marrying her

Carving out a trail that I’m scared of now, but will probably look back when it’s through and know the seed I’ve sewn and the trees I’ve planted are reason enough to live this way.

April. I. DARE. you.

Filed under: Life , Choices, Christ, courage, Fear, Future, Graduation, Home, Life, Marriage, Moving, New, Orlando, Responsibility

The warm, comforting touch of Jerry Orbach

“Law & Order” is a comfort food. It’s macaroni and cheese with a side of mashed potatoes and chocolate ice cream for dessert. It’s not too complex. Don’t get me wrong – there are hard working people that make this show happen. They are part of a complex shooting schedule and have to meet treacherous writing deadlines. By all means they run a tight ship.

The simplicity here is in the story. Opening: Something illegal has happened to someone by someone yet to be known. The police find out, and are on the hunt. Middle: We are thrown off target by someone who looks like they did it, but it was really that other other somebody we saw near the beginning. Closing: The criminal someone is put on trial, and we are left with a moral dilema.

The above is the break down of most storytelling since cavemen and flint chisels. Television shows come and television shows go abiding by that formula. But “Law & Order” still remains. There are millions of “Law & Order” fans around the country. Where is the staying power being harness and generated?

It’s familiar. It’s safe. It’s predictable. Everything to the contrary of my film school training. And upon closer inspection, it’s what I want. I don’t have to worry about Sam Waterson giving plumbing a try. I know that cops with get the robbers.

I’m living a “Law & Order” lifestyle. I want the safe. I want the predictable. Because that would mean I’m in control. That would mean I’m financially secure. That would mean things would pan out the way I intended and I would look smart and savvy.

When will I see true surrender of my badge and baton? It’s more like a hall monitor’s sash anyways.When will I be free from the slavery of money? Being thrifty and cheap is not being chainless.

“Remember the days of old;
consider the years of many generations;
ask your father, and he will show you,
your elders, and they will tell you.
When the Most High gave to the nations their inheritance,
when he divided mankind,
he fixed the borders of the peoples
according to the number of the sons of God.
But the LORD’s portion is his people,
Jacob his allotted heritage.
He found him in a desert land,
and in the howling waste of the wilderness;
he encircled him, he cared for him,
he kept him as the apple of his eye.
Like an eagle that stirs up its nest,
that flutters over its young,
spreading out its wings, catching them,
bearing them on its pinions,
the LORD alone guided him,
no foreign god was with him.”
- Deuteronomy 32: 7-12

Filed under: Life , Comfort, Control, Deuteronomy 32: 7-12, Faith, Fear, Finances, Jerry Orbach, Law and Order, Life, Money Slave, Quotes, Trust

The Sea Inside

While cleaning out my filing cabinet the other day, I came across the first journal entry I had ever written. January 18, 2002. It’s only been since this April that I’ve kept a daily diary, and before that I never really cared to keep record of my time. This day was different. Too many emotions and voices to keep track of without pen and paper. This was the most significant day of my short life.

I was driving to the mall, and I hit a woman in a dark blue SUV. She was 7 months pregnant. She wouldn’t acknowledge me when I pounded on her driver’s side window. When the ambulance arrived, I found out she was experiencing leg and back pain. Her pregnancy was in danger.

A lot of things go through your mind when your 17 and it seems like you’ve taken a life away. Stealing a child’s breath before it’s first chance to fill it’s lungs with the outside air, without ever seeings colors, hearing music, or holding a calloused index finger in it’s tiny hand like it was a throw pillow.

15 hours of wondering in extremes. My mind strayed from the baby’s life to mine. What did my future hold? Jail time? A lawsuit that bankrupted my parents? I know, I’ll work at the local molding factory to pay off this tragedy, this horrible occurance.

The baby was fine. My mom called the hospital the next morning, and they said the baby was fine. Did you hear that? The baby was fine!

I hadn’t read that journal entry since the day I wrote it. I’ve always known where it was stored. I’ve held it in my hands once or twice. But I never wanted to revisit those dark feelings. I’d already packaged them up nicely, right next to the “Shame” and “Pity” mental compartments.

I’m learning how to unpackage and unbottle. How to review and change, as apposed to forget and retreat. Things need to be dealt with. Honesty needs to find it’s way up through the cracks so healing can take place. New men are made through self realization. Here’s to what I haven’t realized yet.

Filed under: Life, Whatever , 17, Car Accident, Change, Fear, Healing, January 18 2002, Journal, New Man, Pity, Shame, Writing

Under the gun

“I don’t scare easy
Don’t fall apart
When I’m under the gun
You can break my heart
But I ain’t gonna run
I don’t scare easy
For no one”
– “Scare Easy” by Mudcrutch

Bring it and Fuel me Tom Petty.

I’m learning that you can only take so much from the lives of others. You need to learn from history. You need people in your life who have been there before and can give some insight on the future. You need some bros who can give you a different spin on things. But it can only go so far. You have to lace up and run on your own. No amount of stories or game film can add up to make the answers to your life’s questions.

You are living a life never lived before. It’s unique, and only you can get through it and make the right decisions. What worked for some people might not work for you. Get out there and learn by trial and error. Don’t let fear hold you back.

Filed under: Life, Music , Answers, courage, Fear, History, Knowledge, Learning, Life, Living Life, Mudcrutch, Scare Easy, Tom Petty, Trial and Error, Unique