Take it Full-Face

Love is not reinforced on the daisy fields. Strength doesn’t coincide with financial comfort. Faith is not fortified on the calm, cloudless days.

Let’s see what I’m made of.

19-21I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there’s one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

22-24God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,
his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
They’re created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He’s all I’ve got left.

25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It’s a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It’s a good thing when you’re young
to stick it out through the hard times.

28-30When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The “worst” is never the worst.

31-33Why? Because the Master won’t ever
walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
- Lamentations 3

Filed under: Life , courage, Faith, Full-Face, Lamentations 3, Love, Strength

Dad

To a man who’s shoes are hard for anyone to fill
and it’s not because they’re size 16
it’s because they’ve walked miles and centuries and galaxies and universes
at least thats what it seemed like it when I was 6 years old
but I’m beginning to believe it again now that I’m older

Because you always tell me never to give up the dream
even though you gave yours up to raise a family
but maybe that was your dream

And you’ve never said anything coarse about my mother
not even a joke around the boys
even though your one of the funniest guys I’ve ever met
the women in your life are sacred and porcelain

A gentle giant to say the least
all six feet seven inches of you
you were made that way because your heart couldn’t possibly fit
inside a bodily infrastructure any smaller

To a man who has had dozens of jobs
and have been good at every one of them
you fix everything
electrical, carpentry, mechanical,
philosophical, societal, communal,
emotional, hopeless, faithless
you fix everything

I wish I could explain you to people who’ve never known you
I wish I could write something about you that flowed coherently
but there are so many things to touch on that it’s hard to put honor to it in writing

Your name mentioned in the county you’ve lived in most of your life
evokes half cantaloupe smiles and warm stories of
life and love and how the two of them are the same to you

I’ve witnessed the darkest of hearts proclaim you wiser than any priest they’ve ever known
I’ve seen ball players and seasoned musicians who have more awards and honors
but don’t even come close to touching the things your accomplished.
I have not met a man I want to be more like than you.

I hope I can give your name honor in the years to come
I hope I can raise the stakes in my life and take a gamble on love like you do every day
I hope I can leave this earth having made it a better place like you have.
I love you, Dad.

Filed under: Life, Poetry , Dad, Life, Love

Firestarter

I’ve been in a white walled cocoon for the past two weeks. My face has a light blue hue from all the time spent in front of a monitor editing video, proofreading resume drafts, and lifting up search result hyperlink rocks in Google to find production companies and odd jobs. My computer runs on AC/DC. My body runs on water/oatmeal.

Budgeting gets real. Every quarter is step closer to rent. My current situation doesn’t fit comfortably into a Dave Ramsey book, but I’m richer than 89 percent of Earth’s population. I was born into responsibility to contribute locally and globally. I need to keep perspective.

I haven’t made the time to get out of this packing crate often enough. I think some inspiration has been squashed due to the cabin fever. My bike is here now, so that will help. I’m awakened creatively in motion and out of doors. But sometimes you just have to take the blinders off and see what your not seeing in the other places.

Some footnotes:
- I have a place to life with my wife in the fall
- Some super good film people in West Michigan. I’m excited to meet some more on a few more projects this month
- Concert gigs are happening for me right now. We’ll see what comes of that
- it seems like celebrity Christianity is almost always a train wreck.
- My Red Wings lost the Stanley Cup
- Nutritious food is expensive
- I really enjoyed the movie “Traitor”. It was advertised completely different than it’s true content. Probably because it’s about Islam.
- We won’t have t.v. or the internet in our apartment, and it’s a great thing
- I’m thankful for music.

“The deeds of faithless men I hate;
they will not cling to me.
Men of perverse heart shall be far from me;
I will have nothing to do with evil.

Whoever slanders his neighbor in secret,
him will I put to silence;
whoever has haughty eyes and a proud heart,
him will I not endure.

My eyes will be on the faithful in the land,
that they may dwell with me;
he whose walk is blameless
will minister to me.”
– Psalm 101:3-6

Filed under: Life , Dave Ramsey, Finances, Jobs, Life, Love, Poor, Psalm 101:3-6, Red Wings, Rich, Stephanie, Wife

How to Live

Photocred: Mike Dalton

When I think of truly living, I get these visions of nature and of me conquering it. I see myself diving from mossy cliffs into shimmering, calming bodies of water. I imagine myself biking through wide, endless scenery containing smatterings of “The Lion King” like trees and “The Jungle Book” postured forests. I’m fast in every fleeting effigy. Capable and Invincible.

I find myself trying to replicate these adrenaline addicting illustrations in the real world. But it’s pretty hard to be indestructible and timeless. What if my dreams were unchained from my own universe and opened up to the lives and successes of others? What if my libido was to see the people around me and the people I’ve never met find fulfillment and joy in the passions they pursued, and so on? What kind of world and community would that create?

I know that life would be easier if I had a manual. As a Christian, I’ve heard “The Bible is your road map” analogy many times. And I believe in the meaning behind it’s origin. But it’s not literal to my life. Sometimes I just want a step by step guide to my experiences and doorways and cityscapes. Having it all lined up would please my compulsive and controlling tendencies.

Since we don’t get that luxury, I try to spot wisdom as it’s dropped on me. I try to grab the Knowledge Water Buffalo by the horns as it’s passing through to the next grassland. Here are some things I’ve picked up through failure, success, and the wisdom of great men and women I’ve had the blessing of coming in contact with (and in no particular order):

- Love God
- Be quick to seek the Lord in times of sorrow and destitution, and in times of great joy and blessing
- Pray. Pray first and often
- Thank the people in your life, and Thank God
- Read the Bible
-  Journal
- Humble yourself as often as possible. Your personal glory with be your downfall.
- Question all of it.
- Be in contact with all the people who have meant something to your life, whether you are in touch with them or not
- Exercise, Take vitamins, Eat right, Drink lots of water
- Think first, and outside of the normal answer
- Just love
- Find the good in others, and find out how to treat them right
- Live honestly and courageously. God does not foster fear.
- See all perspectives in every situation and have understanding and compassion
- Tithe and give and give away
- Completely and passionately surrender of your life to God’s will
- Don’t worry about what’s the right or what is the wrong thing to do, worry about what the    most loving thing to do is.
- Be Love to all people. Introduce yourself
- Have “Set Ears”. Always be listening, and show that you are aware
- Those who are given much, much is expected from. A.k.a.You live in America.
- Intercede in Prayer
- Make the time for God, and don’t multitask that time away.
- Stop settling for less. Man up and make it happen. Look at all the possible angles, don’t just take the first available. Think about it.

Definitely too short, and not enough Buffalo wrestled. By no means do I have it figured out either, or even down to a workable system. I am not good at doing the things I listed. But it’s encouraging and motivating to know that at one time or another I came to realize one of the those points and I became consumed with the desire to live courageously and with great integrity. And having those memories flood back all at once whenever I see this list gives me an appetite to live my life to the fullest extent of it’s length, however long that may be.

Filed under: Life , Christianity, courage, God, Guide to Life, How to, How to live, Knowledge, Knowledge Water Buffalo, Life, Love, Water Buffalo, Wisdom

Let the tug at your heart pull you there

Filed under: Life, Whatever , Comfort Zone, Cost, courage, Heart, Life, Love

This is Rest.

I sit on Boyd and Aaron’s balcony.
I’m couch crashing here for awhile.
There are hornets.
I’m sitting and praying
They’re dancing and sashaying
We can live in this space together.

I see the wart that keeps reappearing on my left ring finger.
I lean over the faded railing and spit.
I think about the jobs I don’t have yet.
I think about the people I’m away from.
I think about the girl I’m away from.
I think about the people who’ve left their mark on my life
Those who’s footprints are still soft and warm inside my heart.
They’ve left my doorstep is all.
We have
memories
future plans
1,000 laughs
wide-spread, arm-length, vice-clamping embraces
and Facebook.

I sit in this plastic chair
Moments ago I just cleaned off what looked like rat poop
And I recline
I’m listening to Followed by Ghosts
And there’s a fountain I can hear
And there’s the sun behind the clouds.
Air conditioning doesn’t have a place to stay today.

Orlando will be in my rear view mirror soon.
I love it so much here.
But I love it so much wherever Stephanie is
And I love it so much when I get to live out my dreams in a career format
And I love new places and new faces and new graces

The community I’ve lived in here has prepared me
To continue creating community wherever I may be.
Being love
Being mercy
Being wise
Wanting to be all these things that I believe in so much

Being like these hornets
Pushed by the wind
Shot down from the sky
Path temporarily diverted
Destination still the same

I dedicate this writing to more and more balcony days.

Filed under: Life, Poetry , Balcony, Balcony Days, Beautiful Day, Contemplation, Grace, Hornets, Knowledge, Life, Love, Mercy, Orlando, Rest, Thoughts, Wisdom

Gran Torino

if I live a life
where I’m very knowledgeable
about handy man type work
and am a decorated war hero
but have failed at creating a
relationship
with my children,
then I’ll have lost my way

I want the walls of small talk
of chit chat
of shooting the bull
to be broken at the mortar wells
and to crumble like a sand castle
in the relationships of my life

Lets throw out the surface level
if the soil is too dry to harvest
lets water the fields of contact
and create a contingency plan
to live together
and to allow one another to be known

Let your daughter know she’s loved.
Let your wife know she’s loved.
Let your father know he’s loved.
Life is over the minute you forget.

Filed under: Movies, Poetry , Clint Eastwood, Family, Gran Torino, Hero, Life, Living, Love, Poetry, Relationships, The Meaning of Life, Time

Like a kid in a highchair with Spaghetti face

I’ve been an introverted mess the past few weeks.

The millstone of financial responsibility and the greedy, self serving decisions that are triggered by the weight. The duties of film school and a thesis project that will be cut short on prep time due to a Holiday break. A spirit of sloth and despondency when the goal is growth and improvement on adult life and the challenges of the future.

A giving and selfless life.
Courage under fire.
Burgeoning faith and hope.
Unconditional compassion and love.
Honor.
Principle.
Sincerity.
Rectitude.
“in spirit fierce and free”.
Let this be me, Father.

Filed under: Life , courage, Freedom, Full Sail University, G.K. Chesterton, God, Integrity, Love, Messy, Prayer, Responsibility, Shame

Cut out a slab and throw it on the scale

I’m going to see what I’m really made of in the next two months. I’m doing what this guy, this chick, this guy, and this guy do, only with 1/5 of the resources and 1/64 of the head knowledge. It’s our thesis project at school, and it’s for all chips on the table. This won’t define me, but it will mold me. It’s my opportunity to bank or blow.

I’m learning how a film career and a personal life are supposed to intertwine. We’re told at school that a successful career in the film industry requires dedication, commitment, and sacrifice. We have to be sold out and willing to give up anything. Be ready to make a move at the drop of a hat.

I truly want to be good at what I do. I want to be the best. I want fruition and realization. I want savvy and triumph. I want to be competant in my field, and I want to be successful.

I think those are all appropriate things to desire. But when you have a “me first” mentality, you lose perspective and become ignorant. I don’t think human life is at it’s most prosperous when it’s lived for personal gain.

I will work hard for my future and go the extra mile for the team of people I work with. But film will not be my life. I am a Christ follower, a son, a brother, a friend, and a lover first. Film, photography, and graphic design are all personal passions that double as career options. Art will always find it’s way down the water ways of my life, splashing against every sandy bank along the path, leaving it’s erosive impression. But my heart belongs to people and relationships. My heart belongs to love and it’s different shapes and battles. My heart belongs to a God, to a certain girl, to my family, to my brothers.

I think they can live together, but it won’t be easy. I’m preparing to walk the tightrope. I’m preparing to make the mistakes, and to make them over and over again. I’m preparing to walk with purpose and live with integrity. I hope my life speaks of love through the actions I make and the visuals I create. Things can get cloudy fast. I hope I remember it’s not all so black and white.

Filed under: Life, Movies , Balance, Career, Conrad Hall, Ellen Kuras, Family, Film, Future, God, Happiness, Haskell Wexler, How to live, Job, Joy, Life, Love, Meat, Roger Deakins

My paper mache shield and styrofoam sword

I’m so hungry for, and jealous of, and striving towards, and failing in: bravery.

The weight of courage is something my back isn’t used to carrying. I grew up fairly unchallenged in opinion or reasoning, and I reciprocated the non provocation. I think I remain to be truly tested. I don’t mean that I’ve faced many tests and there isn’t a worthy adversary, I mean that I haven’t had to get my hands dirty, my knees scrapped, my elbows bruised fighting for what I feel is right.

And part of it is this machismo that I need to get out of my head and heart. There is still a wounded piece of me that needs me to prove myself to it, to show that I am really a man. And that’s all false. Manhood has nothing to do with muscles and medals.

The kind of courage I want to grow is the kind that can be honest with a friend about his/her vision blinding issues. To love someone enough to do whats right by them, not what’s nice. Not just leaving someone alone because I would be bothering them otherwise.

To have the guts to own my convictions and opinions when they aren’t popular, and the the same amount of guts to know when I’ve made a mistake.

To have the passionate tenacity to stand up for those who are bullied, belittled and forgotten. To be battered and battle ravaged when the wolves come, and take pride in the moment knowing they failed at taking with them what they wanted.

But this isn’t a journey by myself. “I can do all things in Christ, who strengthens me.” He is the heart changer and ego breaker, and I’m in need of brokenness and change.

Filed under: Life , bravery, Brokenness, Convictions, courage, God, Guts, Jesus Christ, Journey, Love, manhood, Opinion, Passion, Tenacity