Obsessive Compulsive Hypocrisy

I’ve been saying for quite some time now that I have some form of OCD, only half joking. It’s mostly been a glorifying and gratifying self-diagnosed garnish to make me look special.

I’ve always been in love with symmetry and vectors, and have found myself organizing table furnishings and collating desktop items into efficient and eye pleasing quadrilateral coordinates. Whenever I make or find a mess, it takes precedence over whatever task I was working on before, setting me back hours in a given day. I’ve forgotten to lock the door to my home a few times, and I punish myself every time now by checking my diligence a myriad of occasions whenever I leave a place I’m responsible to lock up.

But I don’t wash my hands over and over again in a single bathroom visit. If it doesn’t look like it’s dirty, I won’t clean it for weeks, maybe longer. I have no shame when it comes to eating the last sausage link alone on a dinner plate settled on the table behind me at Denny’s. This doesn’t line up with the usual OCD interpretation.

And it got me to thinking: What else in my life do I glorify about myself, even if it’s not really the whole truth?

When talking in terms of food, I say I subscribe to a healthy way of eating, but that grilled chicken sandwich today came with fries, and I ate them. I didn’t turn them away. I also ate half a Power Bar, 8 mini muffins, and a hand full of mini Snickers today that were provided by the crafty table on the shoot I worked on. I did not win the battle with temptation today.

I say I ride my bike 10 miles a day. And that was true – 2 months ago, before our final project started and ate up my priorities and idea of personal time. I’ve gotten in 10 miles about once a week now. But I still go by the old label, because it looks better on me.

I believe in the teachings and life of Jesus Christ and call myself a Christian, but how well has that translated in my life? I’ve harbored judgement, I’ve blown off friends and strangers in need, I’ve lived for selfish ambition and notoriety. I’ve taken the segments I like about me and applied them to the thermometer graph of growth, and cleverly left out the mistakes and imperfections in the statistics.

Life isn’t a movie. You can’t just make an edit of all the scenes you want to show. You can’t live a lie and not expect to pay for it someday, and the longer you wait the drier your pockets are. Honesty and integrity are lost when it’s easier to reconstruct and mold the way you want to be seen. And it’s an empty way to live.

Dying to glory is when true glory happens. True growth is acknowledging the existence of failure in your life, and being strong enough to know that you can overcome it the next time around. Let your actions do the talking about you, and let the stains and holes be seen. It will make it easier for everyone else with stains and holes. Which turns out to be everybody.

Filed under: Life , Change, Cleanliness, Failure, Garnishes, Glory, Gross, Growth, Hypocrisy, Lies, Life, Lying, O.C.D., Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Symmetry

10 Embarrasing facts about me

To ride on the coattails of my last post on Freedom, I feel like I need some liberation in my life in the area of pride. It’s a layer I’ve never been able to fully peel off. It’s dead skin I’ve never been able to shed away after a season.

I’m fairly confident in myself and I trust my abilities to be able to stay alive in this world. I don’t get embarrassed very easily. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I care about what you think. I think I don’t, but I do.

What should I have to hide? I want to be a man of integrity, to have substance. I am a follower of Jesus Christ, and want to be held accountable. On the flip side, I like to make you laugh and feel good, so this post has a whole other agenda (but that’s another topic)

So to commemorate a change I want see in my life, here’s to my vanity, egocentrism and self gratifying ways. Here are 10 things that could be considered embarrassing about myself.

1) I pooped my pants in JC Penney’s when I was 11.

2) Guns. Alcohol. Cars. Possibly the 3 manliest things on earth. I don’t know a single thing about brand names, models, using them or fixing them.

3) I pick my nose

4) I grow beards sometimes, but they aren’t really that full. And they are red and blonde and patchy.

5) I was convinced root beer was flammable for about 3 hours one night. I was about 15.

6) During a late night driving home from a concert, I ran over an already deceased deer.

7) I get very angry playing video games. I care about them more than I should.

8 ) One time in the 7th grade I had to write a book report. I had 5 weeks to do it. I didn’t do it.
When the due date came, I just grabbed “The Hobbit” by J.R.R. Tolkien off the shelf at home because My dad read it to us when we were little. I knew it pretty well, I thought.
The time came for me to get up in front of the class and give my report. I talked alot.
When I was finished, my teacher just laid the hammer down and asked me all these questions about it. Turns out it was her favorite novel, and she knew everything about it.

9) I am O.C.D. about cleaning. I’m not afraid of germs, I just like vectors and to be karmic and have “Feng Shui” I guess,

10) I’m emotional and have pouty moods. Yes. I’m in my 20’s and I pout sometimes.

Yikes. That’s 10 at least. Add some good stories in the comments if you’ve lived them. Your welcome to make one up about me if it’s really good.

Filed under: Life , embarrasing, embarrasment, Freedom, God, J.R.R. Tolkien, Jesus Christ, manhood, O.C.D., pick my nose, pooped my pants

I don’t wanna face my fears, I’ll watch to movie

I like control too much. I’m on the edge of OCD. I plan everything I do, partly out of fear of forgeting, and because I like controlling what I’m doing. I don’t drink/smoke/syringe because I like control of my mind and my body. And the sad part is, I think I’ve lost some spontanuity in the process. But the more I think about it, the more I’m starting to leap out on faith and really follow the sponatneous agitations of my heart. While I believe there is a fine line to consider in going with your emotions, I think everyone has a good idea of what’s really right and wrong, and have the capabilities of chasing your dreams into the sunset, and really doing something good.

If none of that made sense, it’s because that last sentence about sunsets and lollipops was out of left field. I’m spontaneous, remember? I write what want.

George Mason University. Bustin’ my NCAA March Madness bracket since last week. Man, I knew I shouldn’t have picked MSU for the sweet sixteen. My loyalty to Michigan has compromised me once more.

I love you!

Filed under: Whatever , Alcohol, Basketball, Dreams, Drinking, Faith, George Mason University, Love, March Madness, Michigan State University, nutrition, O.C.D., Poor Sport, Sports, Sweet Sixteen, Switchfoot

I see your black door and I want to paint it red

Summerwinterspringfall. All in one day yesterday. What a miracle! I guess. I’m pretty sure God can do alot better than a snowflake and a lightning bolt on the same day. But we take it all for granted, and humans have the attention span of a Big Gulp, so little signs like yesterday really do mean something.

Ever notice how every single day there is something in the news about at least 3 people dying in Iraq somehow, whether it be soldiers, or civilians through a bombing of some sort. There are bombings there every single day. And I complain about the menu at Bob Evans. F’ me for that.

It seems like I get grim real quick in my blog posts. No doubt there is urgency for clear thinking in politics and knowing what you stand for, but the little things get you by. So I hope the Spartans do well in the NCAA tournament. And that the Pistons win the Championship. And that the Lions and the Tigers make the playoffs. And that Michel Gondry makes his next movie soon.

I guess world peace would be nice too. Stupid Hippy Brent.

Filed under: Whatever , Basketball, Big Gulp, Blog, Bob Evans, Four Seasons, God, Journal, March Madness, Michel Gondry, O.C.D., Peace, World peace